My Brother the Drone.

I have a hard time stating my...reservations in what I consider a "handout" from my brother. Mom thinks my lack of elation stems from ungratefulness, which is hardly the case as I am grateful.

My brother set up a college fund for my daughter that accrues interest over time. He opened the fund with $1000. It's awesome really, that he cares so much for his niece. I am happy for that, especially when I think about how much debt the poor girl has already acquired thanks to the Bush and Obama administrations. It's nice to know that in 18 years she may not have to worry about adding to that debt just by getting the education she deserves.

The problem I have lies in my brother's arrogance and the fact that he believes he is better and smarter than everyone, including me, and so by giving this money he will have some sort of "say" in her upbringing because I apparently am not qualified. The biggest reason, however, he feels I am unfit to train is because I completely disagree with his blind and ignorant following of Obama.

As someone who once considered herself a Democrat, I've spent the past several years evaluating my beliefs and politics and now find myself falling amongst the socially liberal, fiscally libertarian group. Basically, as a lover of Ayn Rand, I equate a lot of what's happening in the economy today with Atlas Shrugged. I recommend that book to everyone. But I digress.

I don't want to ever seem ungrateful for what my brother has done for my daughter, but in the same token I don't want to get caught up under his thumb and feel like I have to bow to his whim.

I hate being in limbo, and I can't wait to escape.

The Day Before Three Years Ago.

A little bit of excitement never hurt anyone.
Thunderstorms formed to the east today while we were walking home and it was just as beautiful as I last remembered it. I always loved watching clouds explode into the sky ferociously and spread their fingers out into the distance, blanketing the crystal blue with a stark white moving sheet.
When they show up at night I always get nervous, though. I'm strange like that.
Nothing is more soothing than being encapsulated in a comforter with only a tiny little opening so I can breathe from my mouth.
And I hide my buried head under a pillow too, so that the thunder doesn't roar in my head.
Desperately I pray though for the walls to shake and the sirens to blare and for me to jump up and yell, "Tornado!" out of the top of my lungs before diving under the bed and twitching uncontrollably.

I'm going to think about tomorrow and the next day and start to make my plans. My perfect, perfect plans.

And everyone's invited.

The Girl.

Already I start to wonder whether or not I will ever get my groove back. I think I've accepted too many mediocrities as a standard of being and thus allowed myself to lose that...fire. It's a nasty rut to be in; one that I've looked at placidly many times before, always telling myself that tomorrow I'm going to get up and do something! make change! live my freaking life already!

And yet here I am.

Sometimes I hate to admit it to myself, but I occasionally think that having a kid was a mistake. Granted, I'm already 25, so it wasn't as though I wasted my youth, but dammit I feel like I have a lot more living to do that I don't know how to do with a child.

But in the same breath I don't think it's the "having" a child part that gets me down. I fear it may be all the bad decisions I made during the impregnation. I was finally getting back on my feet and getting my credit in order; I had a well-paying job, I was going to go back to school and life was just starting to look brighter. But once I got pregnant I changed and I wanted to leave where I was and come home to be closer to my family. And ever since then I've been living on the brink of complete desolation.

OK, that may be a bit overstated. My little family now lives in the basement of my mother's house and my fiance and I are both unemployed. It's hard going from someone who took care of everything and everyone to someone who now has to ask permission just to go buy some soap.

Who is this girl?

The economy in town is pretty weak at the moment, which has made finding a job extremely hard. I was almost into an awesome job once...about three months ago, until my criminal history took me out of the running. I'm probably one of the most innocent looking people around, and I've got a damn record. I find it ironic.

How do I find myself amongst the rubble around me? How do I locate that which once made me whole? How do I find passion in a life that seems destined to fail and make it something worthy?

I don't know, and I won't say that I'm going to get up tomorrow and figure it out, because I seem to be a pretty good liar.

The Adventure Begins.

After some careful consideration I have decided that I need to write more. You might ask why, and I might tell you that once upon a time I had potential. At least, a little bit of potential. But when life started piling up on me one little disaster after another, I lost my focus. Now here I am, simply engaging in normal conversation with a computer screen so that I can keep words flowing, thought moving, and perhaps someday I can write that book I've always hoped.

If you choose to join me for this journey, I bid you good luck, for I assure you it will be anything but a smooth ride!