Because I Can't.

I am Karly. I am a woman. I am fat and pregnant and about to get fatter and even more pregnant.

I am a bartender. I sling drinks for the privileged few and the pompous many who just think they're privileged. I am popular for not being an ugly bitch.

I am a student. I love school but am finding my ego deflated because I'm apparently not as smart as I once was.

I am bored. Unmotivated. Lazy. Sad. How do I take the step I keep screaming at myself to take? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm sure I will when time is ready for me to move on. Until then I'll just be happy I can keep on taking Wellbutrin through my pregnancy, because hormones are not my friend and I am not a fan of feeling suicidal during my first trimester.

Life does get better, right?

When Life Runs You Over.

Ugh. I really wish summer was over and everyone was back at home and normalcy was the name of the game. My poor little brain just can't handle anything more right now.

I've been on Wellbutrin for almost one month now, and some days I feel like it's working, and other days not so much. But the whole thing could be a very complicated, compounded issue involving supermassive black holes of stress and pure evilness. The wedding was great, and jumping out of an airplane was absolutely amazing. Spontaneously jumping in the Club pool with my co-workers all clad in underwear was equally exciting. But they all seem to pale in comparison to the amount of hours of work and preparation that went into the do-it-yourself, budget wedding and all the meals that fed the extended family while they were here. Then you can add the shingles I developed three days before the ceremony for the second time (note: I also had chickenpox twice, go fig.), a job I only just started two weeks before the ceremony because I am obviously an idiot, and an assload of homework that I couldn't even remotely look at, let alone accomplish completion.

...

And when things were finally starting to settle down, my grandpa dies.

So what do I do? I don't even know! I am fairly certain I have an ulcer digging a hole straight through my stomach, because after the pain and the vomiting and the trip to the doctor who tells me my appendix is A-OK, I just assume that could be the only reason why my stomach is continuing to be the bane of my existence.

Well, I haven't bothered to read this over, but I am most assured that everything above this line is pure gibberish. And I am totally fine with it.

I'm Mexican!

Ok, not exactly by birth, but I am officially part Mexican in name. As in Karly Gomez. Yup, that's right my fellow readers, I have tied the knot.

Wasted

I spent five hours doing mostly nothing. I'm not certain why I was ever nervous in the first place.
My first day back working in almost one year. So much has happened in the interim that anxiety over my abilities damn near took over.

I am tired. A little uncertain. But I think this is good.

Early to bed tonight, and I will sleep well, I am certain.

Post Addiction Mayhem.

Stress is an evil entity that enjoys crawling under my skin without my kno wledge of it even existing in the first place. Then one day, without warning, I find myself curled up in a ball wondering how the hell did it get this bad in the first place?

At night is when the worries plague me the most. It's the time when everything starts to settle down and my mind has a chance to catch up with the goings-on of my life. I realize I have all this shit to accomplish and it seems like there just isn't enough time in a day to do everything, but I also can't seem to develop a system to help me manage or even overcome the time-crunch.

So what do I do? I freak out, shut down and do absolutely nothing. Stupid, right?

I want to find a way to beat my personal demons on my own without professional intervention, because although I think it is necessary in some situations, I want to be damn sure I've exhausted all of my own resources first.

Step One: Buy a damn planner already, and get the important shit on a schedule.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Weather is awesome. I adore it.
Today was a crazy weather day and tonight and tomorrow may prove to be equally exciting.
Thankfully Google Earth still shows my house as existing, according to my friend, Chronic.
But several times this evening none of us were so sure.
I got some really good pictures, and a few videos on my Blackberry as well.
We watched the clouds spin above us and we were certain we were pretty much fucked.
Rudy hadn't experienced weather like Minnesota's before.
He found it to be much scarier here than the potential for hurricanes in San Antonio.
Damn straight.
Someday, I swear I will be a storm chaser.
Love is a tornado, not kicking your ass.


All photos taken by me! I am very proud of my lightning shot.

Systematic Hiatus

Holy Hell, it's been almost two months already. How lame am I?

I finally went back to school, so maybe someday I can have a real job, because although I adore my many fans when I'm behind (or on) the bar, I'm damn tired of living day-to-day on tips.

Plus, drunken idiots annoy me, and here in Owatonna it's quite taboo to physically remove people from the premises. Also lame. In San Antonio I was fairly famous for throwing a drunken, schizophrenic, male thief into the street of the downtown Riverwalk district. Hells yeah. Then he got arrested, and I took three shots to calm my steroidal nerves.

I'm currently trying to gain employment at the Country Club. I believe it to be a serious snob snooze-fest and just thinking about working there makes me want to convulse. But money is a necessity at the moment, mostly because after months of Mother's help while Rudy was incapacitated from two surgeries and I was recovering from the whole phenomenon known as "pregnancy," she pretty much drained every penny she had.

It doesn't help that my awesome (presently hateful) car has required its clutch being replaced, as well as the radiator, fan, hoses and all four brakes, and spark plugs! We've put more into repairing that stupid car than it's worth. Ugh.

Which brings me to the whole point of us needing to repair our credit. The move and lack of jobs, plus surgeries and pregnancy has pretty much destroyed us. If there is something worse than no credit, it's bad credit. Thankfully the whole going-back-to-school crap has allowed me the opportunity to acquire some additional funds with which to get my bills paid off.

Right now I am surprised at how much I have to say. Go me.

Afton is amazing. She rolls over, laughs, and sits up. She has two teeth and puts everything in her mouth. She loves avocado and spicy, mashed up foods thanks to her Mexican genes, since she definitely didn't acquire that from my Scandanvian, lutefisk loving genes. OK, I do not love cod soaked in lye, or any other seafood soaked in anything for that matter. But she is awesome. I am determined to exploit her unparalleled cuteness for her future benefit, by winning the Parents Magazine Cover Baby contest. Booyah.

Someday, I too will be cute. Stupid overweightness. I'm on my second round of hCG, and for some reason my weight has stopped coming off. Not good, especially when I ordered my wedding dress one size small in anticipation of my hCG overload. I will probably be doing an apple day tomorrow, and I will suffer relentlessly. We'll see what happens.

Indeed.