The Girl.

Already I start to wonder whether or not I will ever get my groove back. I think I've accepted too many mediocrities as a standard of being and thus allowed myself to lose that...fire. It's a nasty rut to be in; one that I've looked at placidly many times before, always telling myself that tomorrow I'm going to get up and do something! make change! live my freaking life already!

And yet here I am.

Sometimes I hate to admit it to myself, but I occasionally think that having a kid was a mistake. Granted, I'm already 25, so it wasn't as though I wasted my youth, but dammit I feel like I have a lot more living to do that I don't know how to do with a child.

But in the same breath I don't think it's the "having" a child part that gets me down. I fear it may be all the bad decisions I made during the impregnation. I was finally getting back on my feet and getting my credit in order; I had a well-paying job, I was going to go back to school and life was just starting to look brighter. But once I got pregnant I changed and I wanted to leave where I was and come home to be closer to my family. And ever since then I've been living on the brink of complete desolation.

OK, that may be a bit overstated. My little family now lives in the basement of my mother's house and my fiance and I are both unemployed. It's hard going from someone who took care of everything and everyone to someone who now has to ask permission just to go buy some soap.

Who is this girl?

The economy in town is pretty weak at the moment, which has made finding a job extremely hard. I was almost into an awesome job once...about three months ago, until my criminal history took me out of the running. I'm probably one of the most innocent looking people around, and I've got a damn record. I find it ironic.

How do I find myself amongst the rubble around me? How do I locate that which once made me whole? How do I find passion in a life that seems destined to fail and make it something worthy?

I don't know, and I won't say that I'm going to get up tomorrow and figure it out, because I seem to be a pretty good liar.